It happened again. The other night I was awakened at 1 AM with my beautiful 4-week-old newborn crying, ready to be changed and fed. It was my turn to feed her as my wife and I had a prior schedule that we had agreed upon. After a few seconds of getting all of my faculties awake and alert, I made my way to make her a bottle. Things were going great, she was eating well, but quickly 1 AM turned to 1:30 which turned into 2:15, and then 2:45. All the while I was looking at my wife sleeping soundly and I desperately wanted my rest too!
Then it happened, my mind started racing about how LUCKY my wife was to be asleep, and I DESERVED my sleep too! It just wasn't FAIR! Before I knew what was happening, in the blink of an eye, I blurted out at the top of my lungs WAKE UP AND HELP ME! My wife sprung out of bed ready to be of service, as she always is, and was eager to take over. I continued to exclaim, I have been up for almost 2 hours and you have just been sleeping soundly! She quickly apologized, as if she had done something wrong, and quickly took the baby and began to take care of her.
Out of nowhere, it hit me. The shame of what I had just done. I was a JERK! What was I thinking? This is my daughter. What a privilege it is to wake up and take a night shift to serve my baby girl and my wife. We had waited and prayed so long for this moment of having a child to care for. What had I done? Quickly, I apologized to my wife and try to make it right and she eagerly forgave me. However, I was consumed with the shame of what I had done and feared damage had been done. Then the lie hit me, “you are unable to love your family the way they deserve to be loved.” And with that lie, I was crushed under the weight of my actions.
Have you ever been there? Have you ever had your mouth hijacked by your mind, emotions, and pride in an instant? Have you ever spoken harshly to your wife, kids, or loved ones out of frustration and anger before you even realized what was happening? Like a bullet coming from your mouth, hitting the unsuspecting victim, and doing damage before your heart registered what was happening. Have you dealt with the shame-based lie that tells you that you aren’t good enough for your family, or they deserve better? Maybe you hear the lie that says, “there you go again, you blew it…AGAIN! YOU ALWAYS BLOW IT!”
If you are like me, the above scenario has happened repeatedly. We may blame our outbursts on others' actions, frustration, anger, being tired, etc. But what if it had little to do with any of those pieces? Matthew 12:34b in the NIV says,
“For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
WOW! My mouth will speak what is in my heart. Whatever is in my heart will bubble up through my mouth and will impact those whom I love most. So, my anger issue is not really about the anger, it's about the issues of the heart. My growing frustration is much deeper than a person or a situation, it’s about something hidden in my heart. Once we realize this powerful truth, freedom can occur.
As you begin to accept that your hurtful words and actions are much deeper than the surface level and come from deep within your heart, you have come to a place of awareness. This is often where the healing journey begins. Being simply aware of anger, frustration, resentment, and unforgiveness in your heart and spirit is a great opportunity to begin the healing journey.
This leads us to the crucial moment, a moment in time where we can give into our sinful selfish desires and lash out or lean into who God has created us to be. We all know the moment. It’s the moment right before we open our mouths. Our heart is racing, our minds are saying “You have to say something, NOW!” I call this moment The Pause. Mark Twain once said,
“No word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”
Once we become aware of what is going on in our hearts now, we can pump the brakes on our mouths and simply press the pause button and know that whatever is going on in your heart has little to do with what is happening externally and everything about what is happening on the internally.
The pause allows your heart to catch up to your mouth and allows you to process your heart before you speak.
The pause allows you to discern whether what is about to come out of your mouth is holy and pleasing to the Lord. Does it build others up? Does it tear them down? It is as Paul says in Philippians 4:8, true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, is it praiseworthy? If the answer to these questions is no, then we must ask the Lord to search our hearts and show us the root of what is going on in our hearts. Is it pride? Is it unbelief? Is it unforgiveness? Is it shame? What root is in my heart that needs the Lord to speak into it to bring about healing?
Achieving the pause is a win in and of itself. If you can identify the issues of the heart and pause without acting out or speaking harshly, this is a HUGE win! Celebrate the pause! As you pause, we can ask the Lord what is happening in my heart at the moment. Oftentimes, I will lash out verbally and then go to the Lord to repent of my actions and then ask for forgiveness from those I have harmed and have often identified the root of my frustration and anger has been pride. Other times I have achieved the pause and have saved myself, my wife, and others from the pain of my sin, simply by asking the Lord to search my heart.
There are going to be times when you are going to blow it. It’s going to happen. When it happens, repent of your sin, ask for forgiveness from those you hurt, and ask the Lord to help you the next time you find yourself in the same position. As you begin to institute the pause in your life, you will begin to notice the prompting of the Holy Spirit more and more to simply come to Him first before you speak.
What about you today? Does this resonate with you? What would your life, marriage, and relationships look like if you instituted the pause into your communication patterns? What would it look like to ask the Lord to search your heart to identify the root of what you have believed that has led to your anger, frustration, resentment, unforgiveness, etc? I challenge you today, the next time you have these feelings rising up in your heart and mind, to pause. Pause, and simply ask the Lord, what is happening in your heart in that moment. I believe, when you do this he will speak to you. And when the Lord speaks there is always FREEDOM!
