I’ve always had a fierce passion to help husbands do the most important thing on the planet: love their wives.

This burning desire comes from my personal longing to die to myself and love my wife like Christ loves me. If you are a married man, you know that the marriage adventure is a spiritual challenge like no other. There is no refiner’s fire as painful as the marriage relationship. 

One of the weaknesses in the church today is our tendency to think that most of the couples that we see every Sunday are doing well in their marriages. Hogwash! All marriages struggle, and some of them are in immense pain. What if we had the guts to show that we care about each other’s marriages, to ask the questions that can lead to transparency, growth, and breakthrough? What if just one probing question saved a marriage from destruction?

Years ago I would look a husband in the eye and ask, “How long has it been since you took your wife on a date?” I thought it was a great question because it often led to a discussion about the sin of busyness or being too lazy to get a qualified babysitter. Before our meeting was over, the man in front of me would verbalize a commitment to ask his wife out on a date within the following 7 days. Success!

I had just empowered a man and his marriage– or so I thought. In reality, I had asked the wrong question. Why was my question not as potent as I thought it was? Because it focused on a man’s behavior, not on a man’s heart. Remember, it is all about the heart! When a man’s heart changes, his behavior changes. Effortlessly and automatically. 

Most of the time, the real reason a man is not dating his wife is because of a heart issue that a man has concerning his wife.

Very rarely is it because of busyness or a shortage of good babysitters. It’s all about the heart. 

There are three effective questions that will help a man get to the heart of his marriage issues every time. And these probing questions will unearth the biggest obstacles that all husbands face. Three simple questions; no counseling degrees or deep theology needed. All you need is a deep love for your brothers.

Question #1: What expectations do you have of your wife? 

This question will reveal the biggest obstacle of all: ourselves! I am my biggest problem. I wish I could blame my struggles in life on Satan and his demons, but I can’t. My selfishness is my primary enemy. 

Every husband has a whining 3-year old within him, “I want what I want and I want it right now!” Are we willing to be honest that at times we can be extremely selfish? This is called pride. We think we know what we need (instead of trusting God’s perfect provision), and we make demands on God and others. These demands on others are called expectations. 

The expectations we place on our wives cause much pain in a marriage. Oftentimes, we are blind to the expectations that we have towards our wonderful wives. We expect them to be great moms, give us sex, cook us tasty meals, and show the character of Christ. 

Aren’t these good things? Yes. The problem is the expectation coming from the husband. Remember, true love is 100% unconditional, expecting NOTHING. What expectations do you have of your wife today?

Question #2: What resentments do you have toward your wife?

If you want to be a powerhouse of a husband, you have the privilege of being an expert in forgiveness. Marriage is a tale of 10,000 sins, and a huge portion of those sins are ones your wife has committed against you. 

Matthew 18 tells us that our refusal to forgive those who have wounded us results in only one thing: torment. When we hold onto resentment and unforgiveness it is guaranteed that we will experience pain in our hearts.

The refusal to forgive others, including our wives, is sin.

And this torment will impact the intimacy of your marriage. 

We also see the remedy to this problem is Matthew 18. The parable in verses 23-35 makes practical the power of the cross. When we see the liberating reality of what Jesus did for us, we will declare, “Since I have been so completely forgiven for ALL of MY sins, how can I not forgive my wife for her sins against me?” 

Are there any sins, harsh words, disrespect, or hurtful actions from your wife that you are still holding against her? 

Question #3: What shame-based lies do you believe about who you are as a husband?

This is a tricky one. Most husbands will not think to look for shame when they are experiencing pain in their marriage. Yet, shame shows up in almost all of our marital conflicts. Every husband struggles with the lie that says: “You don’t have what it takes to deeply love your wife!” And when we believe this lie in any of its forms, we check out of the marriage.

What if you wake up tomorrow and believe the lie that you are NOT a sensitive, loving, servant of a husband? Chances are you will not spend much time loving and serving your wife. Our behavior is directly connected to our identity. This begs the all-important question:

Who does God say you are as a husband?

Identifying the specific shame-based lie is half of the battle. Once you have it pegged, then you can turn toward God and receive His truth. His truth always sets us free. And there is nothing better than a husband whose heart is free from shame!

I challenge you to ask one man one of these questions during the next 24 hours. It can lead to a powerful conversation; he may even turn the question back to you. You may be asking, “But what if the man identifies an expectation, or a resentment, or a shame-based lie? What then? How can I help him get free?”

Well, that is where We Train Men comes in. We exist to train men to set other men free for the sole purpose of loving others well. Reach out to us. We can get you equipped and empowered. Let us serve you!